1. Forget to tighten your fin box. After tweaking the fin’s settings for the fifth time in two sets and checking it with two different calipers for supreme accuracy, you hit the water without tightening. This forgetfulness often produces hall-of-fame crashes, which actually qualifies this “way to ruin” a ski set as a “way to enhance” a set for the boat crew, at least.
2. Ask your better half if he or she had to contend with an epileptic seizure during your last pass through the slalom course. Follow that by mentioning that you wish your real training partner had shown up to ski.
3. Chase down random boaters on your lake during peak times and explain to them that you’re ready to train and need good water. Just tell them, “Watch and learn.”
4. Fail to remember to check your bindings for creepy-crawlies. You probably didn’t realize this, but several water-ski-related deaths happen every year, and they mysteriously occur before the skier even hits the water. Damn spiders!
5. Gas the boat while standing in the water with a leaky gas nozzle, or let’s just say a “not-so-good” pouring technique. Caution: If the pain of a burning urethra intensifies beyond 7 on a “relative pain” scale, please seek medical treatment ASAP.
6. Party yourself into dehydration. Polish off that bottle of Courvoisier, and then dawn-patrol it. Instead of trying to recover with a couple of Advil and plenty of water, skull a beer and take a few Oxycontin to numb the pain. If things do take a turn for the worse when you’re on the water this summer, repeat the following song lyrics: “Swerve, swerve, swerve with me. Do you feel the need for speed? I say, ‘hell yes, indeed.’” In some weird way, it might make you feel better about your situation. Happy skiing, my brothers and sisters. May you swerve in peace!
By Todd Ristorcelli